The Courage to Be Disliked Summary

If you think that your past determines your present, you end up with determinism; your future has already been decided by your past. In "Adlerian psychology", we don’t think about past causes, but rather about present goals. Your past doesn’t determine your present, but rather it is the meaning that you attribute to your past.

You are unable to change only because you are making the decision not to. You probably think it’s easier to leave things as they are. If you stay like this, you can respond to events as they occur, and you can guess the results.

Courage is the solution.

Accept yourself now, and regardless of the outcome, have the courage to step forward.

We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to past experiences. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences. We instead make out of them whatever suits our purposes.

Learn to sperate the tasks.

1. Do not care what people think of you. Thinking about you is their task. Your task is to be what you are. Do not act according to people. Wear what you want. eat what you want, go where you want.
2. Do not interrupt in others' tasks. All problems you have are because of not seperating the tasks. Telling others what to eat, where to go, when to sleep, what to do is none of your jobs.

You may have the desire to be known, to be famous right? Suppose you clean up the road daily, and no one even sees you, no one praises you. What do you do? You stop? So didn't you make your task to rest because of others. That's the problem. If no one stops me, I will do the wrong thing. If no one praises me, I will stop doing the right thing. Now take a deep dive. This life is yours. The control should be on you. The control is on others. What kinda life is that?

This Desire For Recognition makes you unfree.

What is freedom?

Freedom is the courage to be disliked by others.

Oh that person just stared you because you were wearing a weird T-shirt, So what? That person dislikes you because you just did what he doesn't like but you do, so what? Oh, no one is praising you for what you are doing is good, so what so what so what?

 You like that T-shirt, you like doing that thing, you know that is good for the society, that matters.

You were not born here to make everyone please.

This life is yours. If you have Desire for Recognition, then, sadly, you do not have the courage to accept freedom.

• We live in a world where people are so afraid of being disliked that They would rather change their whole personality than accept the fact that there are people who dislike them. 
• Just by this deep-rooted desire to be liked by everyone Sometimes we even choose a career we do not want and we choose to hang out with people we barely could stand. And for what?
• Even then, there are people who dislike you and there are people who dislike me.

It is true that nobody wishes to be disliked. But look at it this way: What should one do to not be disliked by anyone?

There is only one answer: It is to constantly gauge other people’s feelings, while swearing loyalty to all of them. If there are ten people then you have to swear loyalty to all of them.

When you do that, disapproval by someone is inevitable. You’re nothing but a politician who has fallen into populism, you have no stand but to please other people's needs.

The real Freedom is being disliked by other people. It is proof that you’re being your authentic self

Some people deal with dislike or disapproval in a very different way they would start a fight or an argument.

This implies that you’re a tyrant and won't tolerate any opposing force, this is not a solution either. The most ideal way is to be okay with it, Just Have the courage to be disliked.

• This book explains how to live freely without worrying about being disliked.
• It introduces Adlerian psychology, which teaches that happiness comes from self-acceptance.

• Not every problem is your task to solve.
• Focus only on what you can control—leave others to handle their own tasks.
• You gain freedom by letting go of the burden of others’ opinions and actions.

Our past doesn't define us - we have the power to shape our future based on our experiences. We create our own destiny by interpreting our experiences in a way that serves our purpose.

You can change any time. You just choose not to.

Key Concepts:

• Self-determination🚀
• Interpreting experiences✅
• Not bound by the past❌

We often employ anger to dominate others with a strong voice and assert our opinions. In this way, anger becomes just a method to achieve our objectives. 

Those with short tempers often overlook that there are more effective communication tools available that don't rely on anger. They choose to use anger as a tool in order to achieve the objective of making the other person submit to them.

If someone insults you, think about their hidden agenda. When you get angry because of someone's words or actions, they are challenging you to a power struggle.

Do not engage in a power struggle. The belief that "I'm right" leads to thinking that the other person is wrong, and it becomes a competition to win. ❌

Admitting mistakes, apologizing, and stepping away from power struggles are not signs of defeat.🤝✅

"The issue is not about how the world is, but about how you are"...

With this touchy line introduction helps us to understand that this book is all about Adlerian Psychology. We all know that All problems are interpersonal problems.

There is always a cause before an effect, so there is always a psychological issue behind each and every action of ours. That means Who we are now (the effect) is determined by occurances in the past (the causes). So let's deep dive.

We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining

We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those past experiences.

Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live

People are not controlled by emotion. They are not controlled by the past

People are not driven by past causes, but more toward goals that they themselves set.

You should arrive at answers on your own, and not rely upon what you get from someone else. Answers from others are nothing more than stopgap measures ; they are of no value.

• The Courage to Be Disliked is a transformative dialogue between a philosopher and a young man seeking answers about life, happiness, and personal fulfilment.
• The book is deeply rooted in the principles of Alfred Adler's psychology, offering a refreshing perspective on how to live a life free from the burdens of past experiences and societal expectations.

• The book highlights that our past doesn't have to hold us back. Adlerian psychology talked about in the book, says that we can make our way no matter what happened in the past.
• This differs from Freudian psychology, which often examines the past to explain present behaviour. People who see things this way are more likely to take responsibility for their actions and realize they can change their lives at any time.

True happiness isn’t about impressing others _it’s about contributing to something meaningful.

Quote: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” — Mahatma Gandhi

Your past doesn’t control your future. You are not a prisoner of your experiences—you are the creator of your life.

Quote: “Though nobody can go back and make a new beginning, anyone can start over and make a new ending.” — Chico Xavier

Most of our struggles come from relationships. Learn to separate your tasks from others’ expectations.

Quote: “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” — Donald Miller

Many believe their past determines their future, but Adlerian psychology says the opposite:

• Your past does not control your present unless you allow it.
• You decide the meaning you give to your experiences.
• Today’s actions shape your life, not yesterday’s events.

💡 Your past can inform you, but it doesn’t define you.

Our struggles stem from relationships and comparison:

• Stop comparing yourself—happiness is personal, not competitive.
• Recognize that many anxieties come from seeking approval.
• Accept responsibility for your relationships, and you’ll find clarity.

💡 Inner peace comes from authenticity, not approval.

Seeking approval leads to anxiety. True freedom lies in being okay with being disliked:

• Live according to your values, even if others disapprove.
• The desire to be liked is normal, but the need for approval is limiting.
• Authenticity attracts meaningful relationships, even if fewer.

💡 You don’t need everyone’s approval—just your own.

Develop the confidence and resilience to live lives on your own terms.

The Courage to Be Disliked is a self-help book written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga that aims to help readers develop the confidence and resilience to live their lives on their own terms. The book is based on the philosophical ideas of Alfred Adler, a pioneering psychotherapist who believed that humans are driven by a desire to feel significant and that this desire shapes their behavior and personality.

This part of the book introduces the philosophical ideas of Alfred Adler and provides an overview of his approach to psychology and self-improvement.

This part of the book explores the importance of self-acceptance and the idea that we are all worthy of love and respect, regardless of what others may think of us. It covers topics such as the dangers of seeking approval from others and the value of embracing our unique qualities.

his part of the book focuses on the importance of developing the courage to be disliked, or the ability to stand up for ourselves and our beliefs, even in the face of criticism or rejection. It provides practical advice and strategies for cultivating this type of courage and resilience.