Vladimir Oane's Key Ideas from Mating in Captivity
by Esther Perel

Equality assumes that women and men have to behave the same in the bedroom.

However, sex is a power game, where some want to dominate or be dominated. That's normal, even though it goes against our current Western political sensibilities.

Intimacy and passion have a paradoxical relationship that one needs to accept. You cannot have them both at the same time.

You can, however, experience them at separate times. It's like the ebb and flow of tides. Maintaining a balance between them is the challenge and opportunity for a couple.

There is no one to judge you when you are watching porn. There is a sense of psychological safety that comes from this private act, which can be inhibited by a loving, intimate relationship.

... are mental activities that generate desire. They can be vague or very descriptive.

Most of them are hidden because they are not considered very appropriate: aggressiveness, power, revenge, and jealousy are the impulses driving most people's fantasies. These are complex psychological creations with symbolic, not literal, meanings.

Spontaneity is not a requirement for good sex. In fact, many of our memories about spontaneous interactions were actually quite well planned.

Planning is the antidote. It creates anticipation and should not be seen as a chore. It should be a game, allowing imagination to take over. Here are some ideas:

• Plan romance in the same way you plan the rest of your day.
• Have a dedicated email thread to discuss naughty things with your partner.
• Engage in role play.