Ironically, many people today still focus on behavior in child rearing, perhaps because it’s something we can see, and if we can change it, we feel confident that we’ve addressed any problems that are arising. Behavior, however, is merely an expression of a child’s needs. Behavior is a message- a message about the attachment needs that are hidden in plain sight.

The Minnesota researchers found, …for example, that children around grade 4 who had secure attachment history had fewer behavior problems when their families were under major stress than those who didn’t.

…beware of overprivileging your child’s emotions. As also discussed in chapter 4, sometimes in the process of trying to be sensitive to our children’s emotional needs, we inadvertently teach our children that every feeling they have is paramount and must be attended to “now” - which actually thwarts resilience.

The Circle of Security was devised as a simple roadmap, a way to quickly and accurately know what need our child is exhibiting in any given moment. The circle depicts all three of the central or core needs within the attachment system defined by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth; care seeking, exploration, and caregiving.

… our experience of trusting the ones to whom we’re attached helps us learn to regulate our own emotions by giving us someone to regulate them for us and then regulate them with us (so-called coregulation) so that, eventually, we learn how to do this by ourselves.

Without any help, young children lose interest and self-confidence if success continually eludes them. They’ll also miss out on learning that others can be a resource for learning. With too much help, they won’t learn to trust in their own capacity and won’t develop the creative use of frustration to learn new skills. They may also learn that they can’t do important tasks without our direction. In these ways, learning is hampered.

Bigger and stronger without kind becomes mean. Kind without bigger and stronger becomes weak. And we always need wisdom to know the necessary balance, especially as this needed balance is never a cookie-cutter easy-to-apply formula available in each new circumstance.

This book sheds light on the inner workings of attachment and how it plays into every day scenarios with your children.  It provides a safe place for parents to give themselves grace while understanding their parenting style and then provides realistic examples of how you could it more effectively.

Today's parents are constantly pressured to be perfect. But in striving to do everything right, we risk missing what children really need for lifelong emotional security. Now the simple, powerful &quot;Circle of Security&quot; parenting strategies that Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell have taught thousands of families are available in self-help form for the first time.ÿ You will learn:ÿ *How to balance nurturing and protectiveness with promoting your child's independence.ÿ *What emotional needs a toddler or older child may be expressing through difficult behavior. *How your own upbringing affects your parenting style--and what you can do about it.ÿ Filled with vivid stories and unique practical tools, this book puts the keys to healthy attachment within everyone's reach--self-understanding, flexibility, and the willingness to make and learn from mistakes. Self-assessment checklists can be downloaded and printed for ease of use.

Raising a Secure Child

Kendall Rosario