Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, spent years pondering which personality differences underly differences in how people achieve happiness. Her studies led her to the conclusion that successes and failures in achieving happiness are best explained by the importance people place on fulfilling inner expectations and outer expectations. Inner expectations are our own personal standards and values; outer expectations are what other people expect of us.

The Happiness Project

Some people have strong, clear inner expectations that they strive to live up to while some people lack a clear-cut inner compass. Some people are vigilant about what others expect from them and they try to conform to those expectations, while some people are either oblivious to or unconcerned about outer expectations. Because responsiveness to inner and outer expectations are two independent dimensions of personality, it is possible to classify people into four personality types that Rubin labels The Four Tendencies.

The 4 Tendencies

Understanding the four tendencies has three primary benefits:<ol><li>Self-mastery in getting yourself to do things</li><li>Influencing others to do things</li><li>Understanding why others do or don’t do things, which reduces frustration and increases harmony.</li></ol>

Why Do The Tendencies Matter Anyway?

Rubin has written a book called The Four Tendencies and has provided an online quiz that we can take to determine which of the Four Tendencies best describes us:<ul><li>Upholder (responsive to both inner and outer expectations)</li><li>Questioner (responsive only to inner expectations)</li><li>Obliger (responsive only to outer expectations) or </li><li>Rebel (resistant to both inner and outer expectations).</li></ul>﻿According to a representative sample, the distribution of the tendencies is 41% Obligers, 24% Questioners, 19% Upholders, and 17% Rebels.

The Upholder, The Questioner, The Obliger, The Rebel

Upholders readily meet inner and outer expectations. They are highly disciplined and love schedules and routines.Strengths and Weaknesses of Upholders:An Upholder’s main strength is discipline, and their main weakness is that other tendencies may view them as rigid and cold. Although one might expect Upholders to be drained from constantly meeting so many expectations, they are actually energized by it, and they are great at scheduling self-care.

The Upholder

Upholders are usually pretty happy with themselves, but they can get judgmental or frustrated at other tendencies.

Working With Yourself As An Upholder

Many people value Upholders in a relationship and team for the energy and discipline they bring.

Working With An Upholder When You’re Not One

Questioners turn all outer expectations into inner expectations if they believe its reasonable and efficient. Thus, Questioners only meet inner expectations.Some random characteristics of Questioners: They hate waiting in line, they love spreadsheets, and they love sharing articles.Strengths and Weaknesses of Questioners:Questioners excel at being logical and efficient in everything they do. But they can also be viewed as annoying for their constant questioning unless they are very socially adept when asking those questions.

The Questioner

Questioners have the self-direction of Upholders, the reliability of Obligers, and the authenticity of Rebels.

Questioners are generally pretty happy with themselves, but they can get frustrated at others for doing things that seem illogical or inefficient.

Working With Yourself As A Questioner

Questioners can add value to relationships and organizations by ensuring people don’t unthinkingly accept expectations that aren’t justified or efficient.They key with Questioners is justification. Once they accept an expectation, you can count on them to deliver (and maybe even improve upon a process for you.)

Working with a Questioner When You’re Not One

Ironically, many Questioners resist being questioned because they think, “If I made this decision, I obviously researched it thoroughly. It’s not my fault if you didn’t do your research on the topic.” Questioners also hate questions that are a waste of time. Their first thought is always, “Why should I bother answering this question?” If, upon reflection, you realize your question doesn’t really need to be answered, then let it go. If the question is important, then ask the Questioner to share their thought process and logic. They enjoy that.

Obligers need outer accountability to meet any inner expectation. For this reason, they gain the most from learning about their tendency.Strengths and Weaknesses of Obligers:Obligers are the easiest tendency to get along with. But they often get frustrated at themselves for being unable to meet internal goals.

The Obliger

When what others expect from Obligers is what they expect from themselves, they have the life they want.

It’s worth mentioning again that Obligers need outer accountability to meet an inner goal. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s just different wiring. Fortunately, there’s always ways to create accountability.Obligers also vary dramatically in what makes them feel accountable. For some Obligers, a simple cellphone reminder may be enough. For others, they may need supervision or monitoring from others.

Working With Yourself As An Obliger

Unfortunately, Obligers are often taken advantage of, which leads to resentment. If an Obliger is faced with prolonged expectations that are unfair, unrealistic, or make them feel taken for granted, an Obliger can fall into Obliger-Rebellion. When this happens, they will stop meeting all expectations and often do sudden and dramatic things like ending a marriage with an ungrateful spouse or quitting a job due to unfair treatment. After a period of time, even if nothing changes, the Rebellion will end and the Obliger will go back to normal, but those burnt bridges will be forever burnt.

To prevent Obliger-Rebellion, Obligers must stand up for themselves. This can be very hard as its against their nature. Unfortunately, Obligers can’t count on other tendencies to stand up for them because other tendencies are all used to standing up for themselves (so they expect you to do the same). If you want to be free of these unfair expectations, the simple act of bringing it up in a conversation can often be enough.

Obligers are like the adhesive in a relationship or a team. They bring people together and maintain harmonious relationships. They are also very reliable.As mentioned earlier, Obligers are often taken advantage of, so we need to do our part in making sure they are treated fairly. If you’re not sure whether you are taking advantage of someone, simply ask yourself, “If I was in their shoes, would I feel like I’m being treated unfairly or taken advantage of?” If the answer is yes, the Obliger probably feels that way too but just isn’t speaking up.

Working With An Obliger When You’re Not One

Interestingly, some Obligers start to ignore expectations from their spouse. Ironically, it’s not because the Obliger doesn’t care, but rather the Obliger feels so close to their spouse that the spouse’s expectations become like inner expectations. So they ignore what their spouse wants just as they ignore what they themselves want! In such a situation, pointing it out might fix the issue. If not, then try to find other accountability.

Rebels want to do what they want to do, in their own way, and on their own time. If someone else tells them to do the exact same thing, they will resist. They don’t even want to tell themselves to do something. They prefer to act from freedom, choice, and self-expression.Strengths and Weaknesses of Rebels:Rebels might struggle with themselves because conventional advice doesn’t work for them. They are told to set goals and to get outer accountability by all the other tendencies, but those things actually make it harder for Rebels to do things because they feel a lack of freedom.

The Rebel

Rebels can do anything they want to do, so self-understanding is key for Rebels. They should get clarity on their values and use their values as decision criteria for whether or not to do things. For example, “I am a good partner, so I will take responsibility for my fair share of chores regardless of what my partner wants me to do.”

Working With Yourself As A Rebel

A Rebel can sometimes feel unproductive because the thought of having to do things makes them not want to do it anymore. The solution is to re-frame the tasks as a choice, challenge, or game. For example, instead of making a to-do list, a Rebel can make a could-do list and just do the things they feel like doing at that time. Another idea is to put a bunch of tasks on small folded-pieces of paper in a bowl. Then draw randomly from the bowl and do that item. This makes it a game of chance, but you can still be very productive this way.

When others ask Rebels to do something, they can feel less motivated to do it even if they originally wanted to do it. In these situations, a Rebel can remember, “I’m free to do something even if someone else wants me to do it.” After all, not doing something because someone else asked is just as un-free as doing it because someone asked.

The other tendencies tend to lack understanding for Rebels, making everyone’s lives harder in the relationship. When communicating with rebels, we should use this sequence: Information-Consequence-Choice. (By the way, the Information-Consequence-Choice sequence works with all tendencies. It’s just particularly important for Rebels).If a Rebel refuses to do something, don’t save them from the consequences. They need to experience the painful consequences for themselves to learn the importance of something.

Working with a Rebel When You’re Not One

Another way to motivate a Rebel is to challenge their identity. For example, instead of asking them to stop being late, say “Why do you keep being late? That’s just so inconsiderate!” If the Rebel doesn’t want to be seen as inconsiderate by you, they will likely be on time in the future.A third way to motivate a Rebel is to challenge their ability. For example, you can say, “Well, it’s hard for many people to stay fit these days, so I’m not surprised you’re struggling too.” A statement like that may light a fire within a Rebel to prove themselves capable of overcoming that challenge.

When I describe the Four Tendencies, I sometimes get the impression that people try to figure out the “best” Tendency and shoehorn themselves into it. But there’s no best or worst Tendency. The happiest, healthiest, most productive people aren’t those from a particular Tendency, but rather they’re the people who have figured out how to harness the strengths of their Tendency, counteract the weaknesses, and build the lives that work for them.

Pay careful attention to anything you try to hide.

The biggest waste of time is to do well something that we need not do at all.

They say there are two types of people in the world: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.

Examining Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies.

Understand yourself and those around you.

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Psychology

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Personal Development

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Motivation & Inspiration

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Problem Solving

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Communication

The 4 Tendencies (Or Another Way To See Expectations, Responsiveness, Resistance, And Happiness)

The main reason for your mood being elevated or low is the thoughts or self talk u had in the moment before joy or sadness. <ul><li>Try to counter your negative talk with optimistic points to consider.</li></ul>Journaling is way more beneficial than we can imagine.

Mood & It's Psychology 

<ul><li>Replace your "shoulds" with "wants".</li></ul>This simple technique will generate a sense of respect in your choices. "I should study," this statement itself makes you feel guilty if not done. Instead say, it would be nice if i study this topic and maybe it will make me feel better if i start studying.

Psychological TipFor Better Productivity 

Always remember this rule.FIrst comes action which leads to motivation, not vice versa.

Action Leads To Motivation

Feeling Good is a book which has practical psychological tips for better emotional health for everyone of us

National Bestseller – Over five million copies sold worldwide! From renowned psychiatrist Dr. David D. Burns, the revolutionary volume that popularized Dr. Aaron T. Beck’s cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and has helped millions combat feelings of depression and develop greater self-esteem. Anxiety and depression are the most common mental illnesses in the world, affecting 18% of the U.S. population every year. But for many, the path to recovery seems daunting, endless, or completely out of reach. The good news is that anxiety, guilt, pessimism, procrastination, low self-esteem, and other "black holes" of depression can be alleviated. In Feeling Good, eminent psychiatrist, David D. Burns, M.D., outlines the remarkable, scientifically proven techniques that will immediately lift your spirits and help you develop a positive outlook on life, enabling you to: Nip negative feelings in the bud Recognize what causes your mood swings Deal with guilt Handle hostility and criticism Overcome addiction to love and approval Build self-esteem Feel good everyday This groundbreaking, life-changing book has helped millions overcome negative thoughts and discover joy in their daily lives. You owe it to yourself to FEEL GOOD! "I would personally evaluate David Burns' Feeling Good as one of the most significant books to come out of the last third of the Twentieth Century." ?– Dr. David F. Maas, Professor of English, Ambassador University

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Productivity

books

Books

National Bestseller – Over five million copies sold worldwide!From renowned psychiatrist Dr. David D. Burns, the revolutionary volume that popularized Dr. Aaron T. Beck’s cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and has helped millions combat feelings of depression and develop greater self-esteem.Anxiety and depression are the most common mental illnesses in the world, affecting 18% of the U.S. population every year. But for many, the path to recovery seems daunting, endless, or completely out of reach.The good news is that anxiety, guilt, pessimism, procrastination, low self-esteem, and other "black holes" of depression can be alleviated. In Feeling Good, eminent psychiatrist, David D. Burns, M.D., outlines the remarkable, scientifically proven techniques that will immediately lift your spirits and help you develop a positive outlook on life, enabling you to:<ul><li>Nip negative feelings in the bud</li><li>Recognize what causes your mood swings</li><li>Deal with guilt</li><li>Handle hostility and criticism</li><li>Overcome addiction to love and approval</li><li>Build self-esteem</li><li>Feel good everyday</li></ul>This groundbreaking, life-changing book has helped millions overcome negative thoughts and discover joy in their daily lives. You owe it to yourself to FEEL GOOD!"I would personally evaluate David Burns' Feeling Good as one of the most significant books to come out of the last third of the Twentieth Century." ?– Dr. David F. Maas, Professor of English, Ambassador University

David D. Burns, M.D.

Feeling Good

Karma refers to the mental urges that bring us to act in compulsive ways. Acting out these urges, we reinforce our old habits and condition ourselves to acting in a certain way. So we continue to repeat our patterns of behavior and we experience our moods going up and down.If we want to break free from these up and down changes, we need to become mindful of our mental urges and choose not to act them out. If we do this, in time we will slowly change our attitudes and replace destructive behaviors with constructive ones.

Karma

In general:<ul><li>Be mindful of the urges you're feeling</li><li>Allow negative urges to arise and depart naturally without acting on them. This will gradually weaken them and allow you to break your old habits.</li></ul>When you realize you acted out a negative urge, you can lessen its impact on yourself by:<ul><li>Admitting it was a mistake</li><li>Regretting what you did</li><li>Intending to stop repeating that action</li><li>Finding ways to repair the damage</li></ul>

Practical tips to break free from destructive behaviors

<ul><li>If you grew up with cheating and fighting between your parents, you will be more likely to look for cheating signs in your adult relationships</li><li>If you were abused as a child, you will be more likely to see abusive behavior around you and to become an abuser yourself</li><li>If you make a habit of fiddling your tax return, you will feel more anxious as the IRS might catch you and you need to be careful who you are honest with</li><li>If you make a habit of criticizing others, you will have a tendency to point out the shortcomings of others and miss out their good qualities</li></ul>

Examples of karmic habits

Understanding the many factors that affect our karma, we can change what we experience in life as the result of our previous compulsive behavior.

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Philosophy

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Mindfulness

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Mental Health

The Main Points about Karma

The negativity bias is our tendency not only to register negative stimuli more readily but also to dwell on these events. Also known as positive-negative asymmetry, this negativity bias means that we feel the sting of a rebuke more powerfully than we feel the joy of praise. This psychological phenomenon explains why bad first impressions can be so difficult to overcome and why <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-the-effects-of-childhood-trauma-4147640">past traumas </a>can have such long lingering effects. In almost any interaction, we are more likely to notice negative things and later remember them more vividly. As humans, we tend to: <ul><li>Remember traumatic experiences better than positive ones. </li><li>Recall insults better than praise. </li><li>React more strongly to negative stimuli. </li><li>Think about negative things more frequently than positive ones. </li><li>Respond more strongly to negative events than to equally positive ones. </li> </ul>For example, you might be having a great day at work when a coworker makes an offhand comment that you find irritating. You then find yourself stewing over his words for the rest of the workday. When you get home from work and someone asks you how your day was, you reply that it was terrible—even though it was overall quite good despite that one negative incident. This bias toward the negative leads you to pay much more attention to the bad things that happen, making them seem much more important than they really are.

As humans, we tend to:<ul><li>Remember traumatic experiences better than positive ones.</li><li>Recall insults better than praise.</li><li>React more strongly to negative stimuli.</li><li>Think about negative things more frequently than positive ones.</li><li>Respond more strongly to negative events than to equally positive ones.</li></ul>For example, you might be having a great day at work when a coworker makes an offhand comment that you find irritating. You then find yourself stewing over his words for the rest of the workday.When you get home from work and someone asks you how your day was, you reply that it was terrible.

As humans, we tend to:<ul><li>Remember traumatic experiences better than positive ones.</li><li>Recall insults better than praise.</li><li>React more strongly to negative stimuli.</li><li>Think about negative things more frequently than positive ones.</li><li>Respond more strongly to negative events than to equally positive ones.</li></ul>For example, you might be having a great day at work when a coworker makes an offhand comment that you find irritating. You then find yourself stewing over his words for the rest of the workday.When you get home from work and someone asks you how your day was, you reply that it was terrible—even though it w<warningtag>as overall quite good despite that one negative incident.</warningtag>

This bias toward the negative leads you to pay much more attention to the bad things that happen, making them seem much more important than they really are.

We tend to... <ul><li>Pay more attention to negative events than positive ones. </li><li>Learn more from negative outcomes and experiences. </li><li><a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/why-you-make-bad-decisions-2795489">Make decisions </a>based on negative information more than positive data.1 ﻿ </li> </ul>It is the “bad things” that grab our attention, <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/why-stressful-memories-stick-out-in-our-minds-5207496">stick to our memories </a>, and, in many cases, influence the decisions that we make.

What the Research Says

Psychological research suggests that the negative bias influences motivation to complete a task. People have less motivation when an incentive is framed as a means to gain something than when the same incentive will help them avoid the loss of something.2 ﻿ This can play a role in your motivation to pursue a goal. Rather than focusing on what you will gain if you keep working toward something, you're more likely to dwell on what you might have to give up in order to achieve that goal.1 ﻿

Motivation

Additionally, studies have shown that <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/is-watching-the-news-bad-for-mental-health-4802320">negative news </a>is more likely to be perceived as truthful. Since negative information draws greater attention, it also may be seen as having greater validity. This might be why bad news seems to garner more attention.3

Bad News

Differences in negativity bias have also been linked to political ideology. Some research suggests that conservatives may have stronger psychological responses to negative information than liberals. Some evidence, for example, has found that people who consider themselves politically conservative are more likely to rate ambiguous stimuli as threatening.4 ﻿ Such differences in the negativity bias might explain why some people are more likely to value things such as tradition and security while others are more open to embracing ambiguity and change.

Politics

The negative bias can have a variety of real-world effects on how people think and act. Do any of these situations and events seem familiar?<ul><li>You received a performance review at work that was quite positive overall and noted your strong performance and achievements. A few constructive comments pointed out areas where you could improve, and you find yourself fixating on those remarks. Rather than feeling good about the positive aspects of your review, you feel upset and angry about the few critical comments.</li></ul>

Examples of Negative Bias

Our tendency to pay more attention to bad things and overlook good things is likely a result of evolution. Earlier in human history, paying attention to bad, dangerous, and negative threats in the world was literally a matter of life and death. Those who were more attuned to danger and who paid more attention to the bad things around them were more likely to survive.This meant they were also more likely to hand down the genes that made them more attentive to danger.1 The evolutionary perspective suggests that this tendency to dwell on the negative more than the positive is simply one way.

Where Negative Bias Comes From

Research suggests that this negativity bias starts to emerge in infancy. Very young infants tend to pay greater attention to positive facial expression and tone of voice, but this begins to shift as they near one year of age.5 Brain studies indicate that around this time, babies begin to experience greater brain responses to negative stimuli. This suggests that the brain's negative bias emerges during the latter half of a child’s first year of life. There is some evidence that the bias may actually start even earlier in development.

Development

This is about Negativity....my new article....😀

The brain has a built-in negative bias that causes us to focus on bad things. This negativity bias can have an impact on our behavior and decisions.

What Is the Negativity Bias?

<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35631386-the-undoing-project">The Undoing Project </a>talks about the life and extensive research in the psychology of Kahneman and Tversky by bringing forth some of the most influential and groundbreaking discoveries they unveiled about human behavior and the biases in our decisions.

The Undoing Project - Book Summ

"When you are a pessimist and the bad thing happens, you live it twice, Amos"-Michael Lewis

Author Quote

<a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35631386-the-undoing-project">The Undoing Project </a>is a book that details the lives of two highly influential psychologists, namely Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky. The two were working together in Jerusalem when they discovered that their work had implications for economics, medicine, law, politics, and other domains of human inquiry.  They were interested in exploring <a href="https://fourminutebooks.com/noise-summary/">how people made decisions </a>rather than just describing them. They set out to understand why people make errors in judgment and how they can be helped to avoid such errors.

Book Overview 

The result was a new way of thinking about human decision-making that opened up many avenues for further research. The book provides insights into their childhoods, their education, and career paths as well as their personal relationships with each other.

Here are three of the most important lessons from the book: <ol><li>The human mind is not as logical as we think it is.  </li><li>Kahneman and Amos discovered the secrets of a great partnership, and it all starts with a common purpose.  </li><li>The most common biases are something we all have and they’re pretty hard to locate and interpret.  </li> </ol>Time to dig deeper into these lessons and see what they can teach us about life and relationships.

3 Top Book Lessons 

In the book, Daniel Kahneman provides many examples of how heuristics can lead to irrational behavior or bias, which are things we all experience from time to time but may not realize at first glance. That’s because most of our decisions are based on previous experiences, our views of the world, and other implications. In a way, it’s as if we’re never actually making objective decisions, but rather building on previous experiences.

Lesson 1:  Humans make biased decisions most of the time  .

Up until the 1950s, the general opinion was that people are rational beings who make rational decisions. They have laws, rules, customs, and institutions in place to help them decide what’s good and bad. It wasn’t till Kahneman and Amos first introduced the term “<a href="https://fourminutebooks.com/everything-is-obvious-summary/">cognitive bias </a>” that people started paying attention to how personal heuristics can affect the decision-making process. People are born into a life with limited resources, time, information, and scarce resources.

Given these circumstances, their decisions must be fast and assure survival, which is why we’re wired to react in a way that makes sense to our brains. In the <a href="https://fourminutebooks.com/one-decision-summary/">decision-making process </a>, such variables can significantly alter the fairness and objectiveness of an outcome.

Amos and Kahneman were the writers of the masterpiece that laid the foundation of modern psychology. Their work influenced areas like economics, finance, sports, behavioral psychology, and many more. What got them to the highest highs wasn’t just a shared purpose, but a common drive to see each other succeed. In fact, when the paper was done, they flipped the coin to decide whose name will appear first in the author’s box.

Lesson 2:  A good partnership takes mutual fueling, a common purpose, and a drive to succeed  .

Amos won, but he gave up the first spot for Kahneman. This shows that their partnership went beyond just work. In the process of writing, they shared one typewriter and wrote everything together in a literal way. Their great collaboration took off from shared interests and an authentic friendship. Therefore, they managed to uncover groundbreaking discoveries about the <a href="https://fourminutebooks.com/your-brain-at-work-summary/">human mind </a>. They came up with the idea of heuristics and biases that alter the decision-making process. They also categorized these biases and paved the way for modern psychology to evolve.

Kahneman and Amos worked together to discover how heuristics and <a href="https://fourminutebooks.com/the-art-of-thinking-clearly-summary/">biases </a>affect the decision-making process in the human mind. What they came across changed the world for many reasons. Industries like advertising, economics, finance, and many others learned how the mind works and how to better target their efforts. Psychologists learned how to effectively spot and treat people, while anyone who’s learned about these biases improved their interactions with others and learned more about their own biases.

Lesson 3:  Some of the biases discovered by the two psychologists changed industries forever  .

<ul><li>The confirmation bias – we look for information that supports our initial point of view and overlook information that contradicts it </li><li>The recency bias – we think of recent or impactful events to be truer than any other answer our brain can provide because they’re easier to turn to </li><li>The anchoring bias – we rely heavily on the first piece of information received on a given topic, and less on any additional information </li><li>The cognitive dissonance – we refuse to plan for things that never occurred or are unlikely to happen (E.g. earthquake) </li></ul>

Some Of The Most Popular Biases Identified In The Study Were:

The truth is, when we’re making decisions and coming to conclusions about the world around us, we’re not always doing so in a completely objective way. Instead, our biases color the way that we see things—and they also shape how we interact with others. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing! In fact, it’s actually a key part of our ability to navigate social situations. However, you need to understand your biases.  This way, you can be aware of them to make more intentional choices about how you interact with others and make decisions about the world around you.

Many people have heard of behavioral psychology, but not many know where it came from or how it all began. <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35631386-the-undoing-project">The Undoing Project </a>gives us a detailed history lesson on how these two men met at university in Israel, their work together to develop heuristics and biases, and details about their friendship and collaboration

The Undoing Project - Book Review

There are many lessons from this story that can be applied to our everyday lives today: how we make decisions and what drives those decisions; how important it is for us as individuals to understand ourselves better so we can understand others better; how difficult life can be for those who suffer from mental illness, and many more.

The 30-year-old person who is passionate about psychology and human behavior, the 27-year-old consumer behavior specialist who wants to deepen their knowledge, or the 40-year-old lecturer who enjoys a good read outside their usual curricula.

Who would I recommend The Undoing Project to?

The Undoing Project summary talks about the extensive research in the psychology of Kahneman and Tversky & their influential discoveries.

The Undoing Project Summary

In a new study published in the journal Personal Relationships , Alaei and Department of Psychology professors, Geoff Macdonald and Nicholas Rule, found that people's individual attachment styles correspond with the lyrics of their favorite songs. In other words, we tend to return to the tunes that spell out what we're going through in a relationship, for better or for worse.

Attachment Styles parallel to the lyrics of your favourite song

<ul><li>Anxiously attached people worry about being rejected and seek a lot of reassurance about their relationships.</li><li>Avoidant attached people respond to their negative expectations of relationships by closing off emotions and intimacy in favor of independence.</li><li>People with a mixed attachment style have confused expectations, fluctuating between clingy and cold.</li><li>Secure people have optimistic outlooks on relationships, and are open communicators and trust their partners.</li></ul>

4 Main Attachment Styles

According to the University of Toronto study, those who displayed Secure attachment styles favoured tracks that portrayed secure attachment in the lyrics like All of Me by John Legend Anxious attachment styles contrastingly went for songs like Someone like you by AdeleWhile, “Avoidants” chose songs like Irreplaceable by Beyoncé.

Music can be a powerful exacerbator of that because it can stir up deep emotions and memories, thus reinforcing your wounded traumas.

If we’re listening to music that reflects our relationship back at us, is that helping or hindering our relationship skills? 

health

Health

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

New psychology research suggests your favorite songs reveal your attachment style

Nobody is immune to cognitive errors, unconscious thinking habits that lead to false conclusions or poor decisions. Mere mortals are prone to an array of common thinking errors and will consistently overestimate their chances of success, prefer stories to facts, confuse the message with the messenger, become overwhelmed by choices and ignore alternative options. Knowing these errors won’t help you avoid them completely, but it will help you make better decisions – or at least teach you where you slipped.

Introduction

Human beings are prone to cognitive errors, or barriers to clear, logical thinking. Everyone experiences flawed patterns in the process of reasoning. In fact, many of these common mistakes have a history that goes back centuries. Even experts fall prey to such glitches, which might explain why supposedly savvy financiers hold investments for too long. Identifying “systematic cognitive errors” will help you avoid them. Becoming familiar with these pitfalls will improve your ability to make astute decisions. Below are selections of cognitive errors to avoid their consequences:

It’s Normal as a Human to Have Errors

Tales of authors self-publishing bestsellers or college athletes signing with the major leagues for millions are so inspiring that people tend to overestimate their own chances of duplicating such career trajectories. This bias makes most folks focus on the few stars who soar, not the millions of ordinary humans who falter. This tendency is quite pernicious among investors and entrepreneurs. Dose yourself in reality and avoid this pitfall “by frequently visiting the graves of once-promising projects, investments and careers.”

1. Survivorship Bias

You admire the slim physique of a professional swimmer, so you head for the local pool, hoping that you, too, can attain such a sleek body. You’ve fallen prey to the swimmer’s body illusion that causes you to confuse “selection factors” with results. Does Michael Phelps have a perfect swimmer’s body because he trains extensively, or is he the world’s top competitive swimmer because he was born with a lean, muscular build? Does Harvard mold the world’s best and brightest, or do the smartest kids choose Harvard? These chicken-and-egg question arise between selection criteria and results.

2. Swimmer’s Body Illusion

The old saying about ‘throwing good money after bad’ expresses the heart of this fallacy: the tendency to persevere with a project once you’ve invested “time, money, energy or love” in it, even after the thrill or profit potential is gone. This is why marketers stick with campaigns that fail to show results, why investors hold stocks that keep losing value, and why Britain and France sunk billions into the Concorde aircraft when it was clearly a dud. When deciding how long you want to continue a project, exclude incurred costs from your evaluation and keep the good money

3. Sunk Cost Fallacy

People tend to discount information that conflicts with their beliefs. Executives emphasize evidence that their strategies work and rationalize away contrary indicators. Yet exceptions aren’t just outliers; they often disprove fixed ideas. If you’re an optimist, you’ll corroborate your positive viewpoint at every turn; if you’re a pessimist, you’ll find many reasons to see a situation negatively. People focus on feedback that fits their worldview. Protect yourself from this bias by emulating Charles Darwin, who researched every item that contradicted his previous findings.

4. Confirmation Bias

“Nature doesn’t seem to mind if our decisions are perfect or not, as long as we can maneuver ourselves through life – and as long as we are ready to be rational when it comes to the crunch.”

People find information easier to understand in story form. Facts are dry and difficult to remember; tales are engaging. People more easily find meaning in historical events, economic policy and scientific breakthroughs through stories. Relying on narratives to explain the world leads to story bias, which, unfortunately, distorts reality. The “fundamental attribution error” is a related misconception. People tend to give credit or blame to a person rather than a set of circumstances. Thus, CEOs receive undue credit for a firm’s profits, or crowds cheer coaches when teams win.

5. Story Bias

Say that a car was driving across a bridge when the structure collapsed. A journalist covers the story by finding out about the driver, detailing his backstory and interviewing him about the experience. This puts a face on the incident, something readers want and need. But it ignores other pertinent questions: What caused the bridge to fall? Are other bridges at risk? Have authorities looked into the bridge’s compliance with engineering regulations? To dispel the false sense of knowledge that news stories bestow, learn to read between the lines and ask the unspoken questions.

5. Story Bias (contd)

Most folks believe that they are intelligent and can make accurate predictions based on their knowledge. In most cases, they can’t. People, especially specialists and experts, overestimate how much they know. Economists are notoriously bad at predicting long-term stock market performance, for example. In spite of statistics to the contrary, restaurateurs believe their eateries will outperform the average, though most dining establishments close within three years. Counter this cognitive error by becoming a pessimist, at least in terms of plans that require your time or your hard-earned cash.

6. Overconfidence Effect

Nobel physicist Max Planck gave speech so often that his driver could recite it. He did one day, while Planck, wearing a driver's hat, sit with audience. Came a question the driver couldn’t answer, he pointed at Planck, “Such a simple question! My chauffeur will answer it!” People run under this thinking fallacy confuse the credibility of the message with the messenger. Warren Buffett counters this bias by investing only within what he calls his “circle of competence” – his awareness of what he knows &does not know. Real scholars see their limits, while pundits spin smoke-and-mirror theories.

7. Chauffeur Knowledge

A man wearing a red hat arrives at the city center every day at 9:00 a.m. and wildly waves his hat for five minutes. One day, a police officer asks what he’s doing. “I’m keeping the giraffes away,” he replies. “There aren’t any giraffes here,” the officer states. “Then I must be doing a good job,” responds the man. Like the red-hat guy, people take credit for influencing situations where they have little control. They pick lottery numbers because they believe they have a better chance of winning that way than with numbers the machine randomly assigns.

8. Illusion of Control

The illusion of control makes humans feel better. This is why “placebo buttons” work. People push a button at an intersection and wait patiently for a “walk” sign, even if the button is not connected to the signal. Ditch your red hat by differentiating between the things you can control and those you cannot.

8. Illusion of Control (contd)

Outcome bias, or “historian error,” is the tendency to evaluate decisions based on results, not processes. For example, in retrospect, it’s clear that the US should have evacuated Pearl Harbor before the Japan attacked. Decision to stay seems deplorable in light of today’s knowledge. Yet military higher-ups at the time had to decide amid contradictory signals. A bad result does not necessarily mean the decision was poor. Luck, timing and other external factors come into play. Avoid this bias by focusing on the process and data available at the time rather than concentrating solely on results.

9. Outcome Bias

Finding $100 would make you happy, but that happiness wouldn’t equal the distress you’d feel if you lost $100. The negative hit from a loss is stronger than the positive hit of a comparable gain; loss aversion explains why investors ignore paper losses and hold falling stocks. Marketers exploit loss aversion to sell. For example, persuading to buy stuffs by describing how much money they’ll lose without it is easier than getting them to buy it by showing the savings they’ll gain. This fear causes people to stay in their comfort zones with investments, personal risks and purchases.

10. Loss Aversion

Humans don’t think about all their alternatives when they contemplate an offer. Say that a city planning commission proposes building a sports arena on an empty lot. Supporters make the case that the arena would create jobs and generate revenue. They ask voters to decide between a vacant lot and an arena, but they don’t mention other options, like building a school. Making informed decisions means letting go of either-or choices. Ironically, modern people suffer from too many options. That’s the “paradox of choice.”

11. Alternative Blindness

Mark Twain famously quipped, “If your only tool is a hammer, all your problems will be nails.” This statement beautifully encapsulates this false reasoning habit. People want to solve problems with the  skills they have. A surgeon will recommend surgery not acupuncture. Generals opt for military engagement not diplomacy. The downside is that people sometimes use the wrong tools to try to solve problems. Check your toolbox for the right gear and the right cognitive framework.

12. Déformation Professionnelle

Dobelli shared some common thinking mistakes. Knowing these errors won’t help you avoid them completely, but it will help you make better decisions – or at least teach you where you slipped.

A world-class thinker counts the 100 ways in which humans behave irrationally, showing us what we can do to recognize and minimize these “thinking errors” to make better decisions and have a better life Despite the best of intentions, humans are notoriously bad—that is, irrational—when it comes to making decisions and assessing risks and tradeoffs. Psychologists and neuroscientists refer to these distinctly human foibles, biases, and thinking traps as “cognitive errors.” Cognitive errors are systematic deviances from rationality, from optimized, logical, rational thinking and behavior. We make these errors all the time, in all sorts of situations, for problems big and small: whether to choose the apple or the cupcake; whether to keep retirement funds in the stock market when the Dow tanks, or whether to take the advice of a friend over a stranger. The “behavioral turn” in neuroscience and economics in the past twenty years has increased our understanding of how we think and how we make decisions. It shows how systematic errors mar our thinking and under which conditions our thought processes work best and worst. Evolutionary psychology delivers convincing theories about why our thinking is, in fact, marred. The neurosciences can pinpoint with increasing precision what exactly happens when we think clearly and when we don’t. Drawing on this wide body of research, The Art of Thinking Clearly is an entertaining presentation of these known systematic thinking errors--offering guidance and insight into everything why you shouldn’t accept a free drink to why you SHOULD walk out of a movie you don’t like it to why it’s so hard to predict the future to why shouldn’t watch the news. The book is organized into 100 short chapters, each covering a single cognitive error, bias, or heuristic. Examples of these concepts include: Reciprocity, Confirmation Bias, The It-Gets-Better-Before-It-Gets-Worse Trap, and the Man-With-A-Hammer Tendency. In engaging prose and with real-world examples and anecdotes, The Art of Thinking Clearly helps solve the puzzle of human reasoning.

A world-class thinker counts the 100 ways in which humans behave irrationally, showing us what we can do to recognize and minimize these “thinking errors” to make better decisions and have a better life Despite the best of intentions, humans are notoriously bad—that is, irrational—when it comes to making decisions and assessing risks and tradeoffs. Psychologists and neuroscientists refer to these distinctly human foibles, biases, and thinking traps as “cognitive errors.” Cognitive errors are systematic deviances from rationality, from optimized, logical, rational thinking and behavior. We make these errors all the time, in all sorts of situations, for problems big and small: whether to choose the apple or the cupcake; whether to keep retirement funds in the stock market when the Dow tanks, or whether to take the advice of a friend over a stranger. The “behavioral turn” in neuroscience and economics in the past twenty years has increased our understanding of how we think and how we make decisions. It shows how systematic errors mar our thinking and under which conditions our thought processes work best and worst. Evolutionary psychology delivers convincing theories about why our thinking is, in fact, marred. The neurosciences can pinpoint with increasing precision what exactly happens when we think clearly and when we don’t.Drawing on this wide body of research, The Art of Thinking Clearly is an entertaining presentation of these known systematic thinking errors--offering guidance and insight into everything why you shouldn’t accept a free drink to why you SHOULD walk out of a movie you don’t like it to why it’s so hard to predict the future to why shouldn’t watch the news. The book is organized into 100 short chapters, each covering a single cognitive error, bias, or heuristic. Examples of these concepts include: Reciprocity, Confirmation Bias, The It-Gets-Better-Before-It-Gets-Worse Trap, and the Man-With-A-Hammer Tendency. In engaging prose and with real-world examples and anecdotes, The Art of Thinking Clearly helps solve the puzzle of human reasoning.

Rolf Dobelli is a Swiss author and businessman. He began his writing career as a novelist in 2002, but he is best known internationally for his bestselling non-fiction The Art of Thinking Clearly (2011, English 2013), for which The Times has called him "the self-help guru the Germans love".

Rolf Dobelli

The Art of Thinking Clearly

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.”

<ul><li>Vulnerability is neither good nor bad. Rather, being vulnerable simply means you have the capacity to experience emotions. </li><li>Though we often associate vulnerability with dark emotions, like fear, grief, or sadness, vulnerability is, in fact, also the root of our positive emotions: love, joy, empathy, and so on.</li><li>Allowing yourself to be vulnerable shows strength and courage – not weakness.</li></ul>

Being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness

Vulnerability means uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. You might love someone, for example, and in doing so expose yourself emotionally; but you can never be certain that they'll reciprocate, thus you risk being rejected. Like any other feeling, love entails vulnerability.

What being vulnerable means

Embracing our vulnerability can help us to learn and develop, both professionally and socially.<ul><li>Social development: embracing vulnerability allows us to both experience our emotions authentically and be empathic, enabling us to connect with others. Just as you'd appreciate others being open and honest with you, your vulnerability and willingness to share your feelings and thoughts will be received positively.</li><li>Professional development: it's only by taking risks and daring to expose our work and ideas to external criticism that we can improve ourselves. If you practice only what you know you're <warningtag>good at, you of course avoid the risk of failure, but you also miss out on a potential new experience. </warningtag></li></ul>

Embracing the idea of being vulnerable

If you ignore your vulnerability, or you're simply unaware of it, you might end up increasing it. As one study demonstrated, people who believed themselves to be invulnerable to the persuasive power of advertising were, in fact, the most susceptible to it; participants claiming to be unaffected by commercials responded more to them than those who acknowledged their own suggestibility.

When we ignore our vulnerability

As adults, we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection…we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen.

In order to remove our armor and put down our weapons, it’s necessary to identify how we are masking our shame and protecting our vulnerabilities. The three major shields that we use to protect ourselves:<ul><li>Foreboding Joy (Imagining dreadful outcomes that clamp down on momentary joy)</li><li>Perfectionism (Believing that doing everything perfectly protects us from shame)</li><li>Numbing (Embracing anything that deadens the pain of discomfort and shame)</li></ul>The powerful disarming strategies for freeing ourselves of these masks:<ul><li>Worthiness (I am enough)</li><li>Boundaries (I’ve had enough)</li><li>Engagement (I’m taking risks and let<warningtag>ting myself be seen).</warningtag></li></ul>

Unmasking vulnerability

Talking about our feelings of shame and naming them often diminishes their power. In fact, verbalizing our shame actually makes us resilient to it.This is because shame gains power through being unspeakable: the less we talk about it, the more control it has over our lives.The problem is that it's natural for us to keep our shame to ourselves. Shame doesn't even require the presence of other people: most of us are likely to be our own worst critics and maintain a stockpile of shame to draw from.

Shame

How to be vulnerable and embrace imperfection, to live wholeheartedly, and courageously.

The #1 New York Times bestseller. More than 2 million copies sold! Look for Brené Brown’s new podcast, Dare to Lead, as well as her ongoing podcast Unlocking Us! From thought leader Brené Brown, a transformative new vision for the way we lead, love, work, parent, and educate that teaches us the power of vulnerability. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; . . . who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”—Theodore Roosevelt Every day we experience the uncertainty, risks, and emotional exposure that define what it means to be vulnerable or to dare greatly. Based on twelve years of pioneering research, Brené Brown PhD, MSW, dispels the cultural myth that vulnerability is weakness and argues that it is, in truth, our most accurate measure of courage. Brown explains how vulnerability is both the core of difficult emotions like fear, grief, and disappointment, and the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy, innovation, and creativity. She writes: “When we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.” Daring Greatly is not about winning or losing. It’s about courage. In a world where “never enough” dominates and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It’s even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there’s a far greater risk of getting criticized or feeling hurt. But when we step back and examine our lives, we will find that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as standing on the outside of our lives looking in and wondering what it would be like if we had the courage to step into the arena—whether it’s a new relationship, an important meeting, the creative process, or a difficult family conversation. Daring Greatly is a practice and a powerful new vision for letting ourselves be seen.

Daring Greatly

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live

Find 100+ Psychology Facts about Human Behaviour, Mind or Nature - Curated from Videos, Podcasts, Books & Articles - Genuine Insights from Other People

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The Art of Thinking Clearly

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Read like a Pro.

The 4 Tendencies (Or Another Way To See Expectations, Responsiveness, Resistance, And Happiness)

Feeling Good

The Main Points about Karma

What Is the Negativity Bias?

The Undoing Project Summary

New psychology research suggests your favorite songs reveal your attachment style

The Art of Thinking Clearly

Daring Greatly

11 Psychology Terms You're Misusing, According to Psychologists

Why Should You Ask Questions?

It's time to Read like a Pro.

It's time to
Read like a Pro.